Living with Erectile Dysfunction

Hi to all.
I’m the partner of ED sufferer and it’s great to have a place to come and see that I (we) are not alone.

We have been together for about 11 years and during the first month or so of beginning sexual intimacy there was a problem of Premature Ejaculation. He saw a specialist and was given Viagra and Injections. These didn’t really help although as the Doctor explained they can be used for PE as well as other ED’s.
The problem soon became impotence. I encouraged him to seek advice/help and he was always agreeable.

It was not for myself that I wanted him to get some help but for himself as I could see that he felt very badly and could no longer enjoy sex in the same way which was very devastating to him on many levels.

We moved in together in the 4th year of our relationship. Within a year we broke up and he moved out although we saw each other often. This was a mutual decision.

I think the main reason was his feelings about himself and his withdrawal from any sort of intimacy, affection, etc. It was very hard to feel loved or wanted for me and for me it was more about the emotional side rather than the physical.

It was something he didn’t really want to discuss and when he did he was very uncomfortable. I understand that but when he is the only person you CAN talk to about it, it can make things difficult.

You can’t discuss it with your friends, not even your closest and dearest friends as to discuss how it effects me, I would have to disclose his private issues and I could just never do that. That makes it harder than other relationship issues to deal with.

Over 8 years I would intermittently talk to him about seeing someone about it and stress that it was for him, not me.
He always said that he would but never acted on it.
This caused more of a problem than the ED itself.
If he had said, I’m not ready to deal with it yet, I’m not comfortable talking with a Doctor at the moment, etc. etc. It would have been better and I could easily understand that. I would not want him to do anything to cause him embarassment, humiliation, health risks, or invasive treatments if those were his concerns.

It was the continually telling me he was going to make an appointment and not following through that caused resentment on my side. I felt it was like a deception and felt that he lack trust and faith in me to deal with his true feelings.

The focus was on his issues with ED, his guilt, his feeling like a sexual failure and it was for such a long time overlooked how I felt and how it effected me.

In my head I could believe that I wasn’t the cause of his ED, but in my heart I would often have doubt. This was reinforced when he would say he would seek medical advice but not make an appointment. I would think he isn’t doing it because he knows it’s me.

Then there is the other side. It’s not me but he is only staying with me because he doesn’t want to break up and at some stage be faced with dealing with the problem in a new relationship. When there is a refusal to communicate and you have no one else to discuss it with then you have so many thoughts, questions, etc. going around in your head.

We became very disconnected from each other due to the indirect effects of ED.
I stopped sharing a bed with him. It was easy for me to deal with his wanting no physical contact at all this way. It’s like being surrounded by water but never being allowed to drink.

I also lost my sexuality. I heard something said once - ” The only thing worse for a woman that being seen as a sex object is to never be seen as a sex object’. To not feel wanted or desired felt devastating to me.

There was so much that I just didn’t understand and there was so much confusion. He would say he no longer had any desire for anything sexual, but would masturbate ocassionally. That didn’t make sense to me and just reinforced to me that I was the problem.

He said I have absolutely no concept of what it’s like. I explained to him that I had experienced what I would consider the female equivalent. Anti-depressants that I was taking for several years ( prior to our relationship ) had a huge impact on my sexual response and the inability to achieve orgasm. I needed to take the medication at the time but he said ‘You had a choice’. Perhaps but when the choice is severe Panic Disorder that made my life hell or an orgasm it really wasn’t a choice. Thankfully, my doctor was able to find a medication that was just as effective but without the sexual side-effects. So I do have a concept of what it feels like.

Even now there is so much that I don’t understand and have no one to ask. I can’t ask a Doctor about his condition because they would have to examine him.

I am grateful to have found this forum and I truly empathize with any person or couples going through this.

Thank you for the opportunity to communicate my feelings and concerns.